From Cyberia with Love™
Dutch-Belgian co-production
for the progress of world Civilisation
A new way is being found to improve both History and Humanity.
By Som Ofyou (with the collaboration of Ennie Ofyou)
****
Cyberfiction novel with real personalities placed into eerie and surreal surroundings, playing out what's going on in their own nerdistic minds. Any ressemblance with living persons is wilful and is in no way the product of any coincidence whatsoever.
Chapter one:
The conception of NERDISTAN
The Security Council of the United Nations, fed up with its commitment to all kinds of war-situations, decided to ask something totally new of the most wealthy countries in the world. The concept also stimulated the interest of some of the would-be wealthy countries.
The novel concept entails taking a part in a revolutionary project meant to provoke a major breakthrough into the scientific advancement of humanity at large.
Realizing that armed and other conflicts which divide humanity were mostly due to human stupidity, Mr Ghoutros Ghoutros Bali, secretary-general of the UN, declared that the only way to curb stupidity in humans was to promote a new kind of humanity. This new humanity would be both more intelligent and less prone to engage in constant competition, which is the seedbed of clashes, conflicts and wars. Instead of promoting business and sport, one should rather promote math, intelligence and a more restful style of life.
The advent of the cybernetic era, and especially the computer era - said the secretary-general Mr Ghoutros Ghoutros Bali- are the necessary ingredients to achieve this goal.
So the people who are living according to that sort of way of life should be given preference for participation in the experiment.
Here follows the response to this appeal from the secretary-general of the UN, Mr Ghoutros Ghoutros Bali:
Mr Ping Hsiao Dung, head of state of the people's republic of China proposed to breed those people. Indeed the Chinese way of breeding people was most succesful. There are more Chinese than any other population on the blue planet. This together with the one-child policy and forced abortions on all kinds of society misfits, would give the optimal, state-regulated population in the world. He offered a team of chinese experts in medicine, both human and veterinary to the organisers of this wonderful project.
Mr Joris Beltsin, president of the deceased USSR now anabaptised Russian Federation, proposed to provide a territory for this experiment in his huge country.
This valley is situated East of Eden, near the Kindu Hutch and the hills of the Limahaya in central Asia, somewhere between Ubzhekistan, Ghirkistan, Kurtestan and Dzhatjiskistan.
To say all, it is located in the most remote place of CYBERIA.
Mr J. Beltsin revealed the new name of this heavenly valley, with a hot microclimate, amidst the eternal snows of the Limahaya. The valley received the name of "Autonomous Republic Of Nerdistan" (ARON).
Mr Clint Bilton, president of the United States, promised to find suitable candidates for the project. He used his own connection with usenet and internet, and discovered via Yahoo some newsgroups where he immediately found the human specimens he was looking for to be the future inhabitants of Nerdistan:
<<< the NERDS >>>..
The group, called "scn" (Solid Conglomerate of Nerds), revealed to be 'the' goldmine of people having all the characteristics described by Mr Ghoutros Ghoutros Bali.
Having all of them around a hundred percent of Nerdity, the members of this secluded community of cybermaniacs qualified immediately for the job of bettering the whole of humanity at once... The Solid Conglomerate of Nerds will be the elected instrument to save humanity from self-destruction by wars such as this in Bosnia and nuclearity as in the case of Rurumoa in the south pacific. And more than everything else, these cybermaniacs will have the prophetic task of freeing the human race of its congenital, innate stupidity.
Mr Kelmut Hohl, Bundeskanzler of the United Federal Republic of both Germanies, promised a lot of Deutschmarks, together with a recently found reserve of Zyklon-B gas he subtilised from some upper- and underground clubs of neo-Nazis such as the Zundel. The Zundel being a sun-baked californian flock of post-hippies from german descent, who most probably incurred several hits from surfboards hitting their craniums while being caught wrongly by the waves of the Pacific, attempting unsuccessfully to surf correctly.
This wellknown "Unmensch-liberating" gas was meant to be used in the suppression of some less qualified dwellers of scn, if found. This permits a more drastic solution, called in German the "End-Loesung", to solve the problems arising from impurities in the Nerdic race.
Mr Jacques Richac, first neo-Gaullist in France, promised to immediately cease his bad-boy games in the atoll of Rurumoa. He decided to help the project by using the money he intended to spend in more bombing, into the launching out of the E-U station of Gourou in French Guyana, of a new geostationary satellite called "NERDIE-1". This satellite will stay in contact with the new inhabitants of this global UN project.
NERDIE-1 will have a permanent radio connection with the computers of the Nerdistani, and will monitor them on a 7 X 24 lights-out schedule. It will trace all their deeds including copulations, if any. It will report to the entire world on the events in far-away, paradisical Nerdistan.
Moreover, president Richac will give thousands of hectoliters of French wine to the future Nerdistani. The Japanese Prime Minister Murry-Yummy read a prepared statement calling the idea "interesting", and promised to make funds available -- on the condition a consensus could be achieved among the rural constituencies. He also promised to send a team of sushi preparation experts. As a point of criticism, he said the implementation date was thought to be too "ambitious", and proposed to keep it vague.
Also, Murry-Yummy advised the assembled members that the ideal of Nerdicity was best served with a closed economy, and suggested that imports should be kept to the barest minimum. The members were clearly impressed with his obvious hands-on knowledge. One delegate pointed out that in that case the sushi-experts would be pretty useless, as the Cyberia region does not contain to any sea or ocean or large river and there are therefore no fish to be had; Murry-Yummy praised the delegate for his perspicacity, said he was "quite right" and reiterated his offer.
Mr Nidi, Prime minister of Italy proposed to send the heads of the sicilian maffia to organize a corps of devoted policemen in newborn Nerdistan. He promised also to donate --free of any charges-- seeds of the well-known spaghetti plants, so that the nerdistani will be able to raise a spaghetti crop for their own nourishment. He committed to also send some special italian cows there, the ones who normally shit pizza's, calzones and riggatonis.
Mr Grossbouff Patapouf, prime minister of Belgium revealed that thousands of cubic metres of Belgian Beer would be donated by the Flemish community using funds from the Walloon community.
Finally the culinary expert Wim K. who serves daily meals from the catering of the Catshuis to the restaurant Binnenhof in the Hague in Holland promised to screen scn and to send volunteers found there, to the Eden of Cyberia, I mean: Nerdistan. He promised to ask his personal maid, Mrs Winnie Draagzorgen to send Dr Boudewijn Bachot with his lethal injections in case some Nerdistani were to become depressive to the point of wanting to be terminated.
****
Chapter two:
The development of the new republic of NERDISTAN
The Security Council of the UN, after this overwhelming support of the heads of state of the richest countries of the world, decided to found a *scientific committee* to lead this humanity-bettering project. A lot of scientific authorities in the medical, psychological and computer-world gathered. This group received the name of
******** " International Board of NerdExperts".********
Here are the results of their discussions about organizing the program:
This micro-computer is conceived to work, not on electricity but with the energy of the thyroid hormone. This has a great advantage: the size can be reduced to that of an ordinary "pace-maker" This allows the computer to be implanted within the thyroid gland of the future nerdistani, thus leaving both hands free to perform all kinds of other naughty things.
Using the thyroid hormon as source of energy, the computer is, when implanted into the thyroid gland itself, put in direct connection with the brain. This via the recurrent nerve, which, coming from the brain, passes behind the gland to go to the vocal cords. One notices the double advantage: direct connection both with the brain (no screen needed anymore) and to the voice (no keyboard needed anymore, since the computer is voice-operated).
An accessory line will be drawn from the implanted computer to the ears. The ears will be used as signal receiving organs for the inner ears, and as stereo parabolic antennae for the external ears, so that the satellite NERDIE-1 will be able to constantly monitor the actions of the Nerdistani.
NERDIE-1 will also host the central computer
which will command all auxiliary hardware that was implemented in
the Nerdistani.
The implants will be equipped with a few extra devices:
All this software was developed by "Micro-Weak Inc." headed by the super-nerd Till Gabes, the richest man of the world, who gracefully donated the software for his own promotion first, and to help advance Nerdistan afterwards.
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Chapter three:
The selection of the first new NERDISTANI
The collaborative effort of Wim K., the cook from Holland, Clint Billton the president of the United States and the International Board of NerdExperts was necessary for the selection of the Nerdistani. After screening all of the regular "sOLID cONGLOMERATE OF nERDS" dwellers, they asked ome ladies who were quick to select (why they claimed to "elect") some prominents in their group. Those ladies, more busy with sipping tea than working efficiently, delivered some names. Marie-Anne Majeur, who exiled herself in Raasland for linguistic studies and teaching, gave the International board a coded message with the name of the best suitable candidates. Since humanity had to be corrected from the beginning, the International Board of NerdExperts decided to use the well-known scenario of the garden of Eden, first part (Genesis: 2: 8-25). They selected only two people, one male and one female.
Those two lucky Nerdonauts were:
Truce displays several noticeable communication impairments.
Punctuation is totally unknown in her messages. Syntax and phrase-formation as well. This special disability of hers will allow the experts of "MicroWeak" to develop a lot of new weakwares such as syntax correctors, punctuation adders, sentence builders, story-tellers, namers and other silly stuff that has no right to be in the marketplace but that has made Mr. Gill Bates the richest man on the planet anyway and MicroWeak the most arrogant company.
There were two additional reasons why Truce was selected:
This provides at the same time a unique opportunity to test our newly invented nerdylactics which we expect will solve the nerdoverpopulation (i.e. more than one nerd is too many nerds) problem by not allowing them to reproTruce. But being compassionate as well as for selfish reasons described below, the Board decided that they will be allowed to continue to engage in heavy sex for pleasure only.
This is in fact the future of the human society at large:
In order to totally separate *totally* reproduction from pleasure in human sexual intercourse, the State will take total control of the reproduction of the species, leaving only "aseptised" sex for pleasure for the citizens.
In fact the individuals keep only nothing more than "carrots". They will take sex as a playing game, and remain quiet, nearly in a post-puberal infantilised stage of mental development, since there bear no longer any responsibility in performing sexual intercourse. In the meantime the State and his Administration will take the total power on the reproduction, future of the human species, without any control left on the part of the citizens.
This is really the advent of a totalitarian era, as described by Aldous Huxley and George Orwell.
****
Chapter four:
The life of the fresh NERDISTANI in their new biotope
The two first dwellers of Nerdistan were brough there by special plane, a Concorde, on loan to the International Board of NerdExperts by John Minor, Prime Minister of the UK. They arrived safely with their implanted PC in their thyroid glands.
When left alone in this paradisical place, they decided to really live their lives and enjoy the heavenly surroundings of Nerdistan, which indeed was nothing less than a New Garden of Eden. But actually this happened under the protective and all-seeing Eye of NERDIE-1, constantly monitored by the International Board of NerdExperts.
As a new Adam and a Eve, they did not find clothes necessary anymore: there was nobody else to look at them. Of course they forgot the peepers of the International Board of Nerdexperts, looking through the Eye and listening through the Ear of NERDIE-1!
Truce had continual mental orgasm, since she never needed to speak anymore: the computer linked to her vocal cords allowed communication -of course via NERDIE-1- with the Yoti without speaking. Finally both found shortcuts to communicate from brain to brain, with as only inconspicuous witness, the Eye and Ear of NERDIE-1. And, of course, the entire International Board of Nerdexperts.
The PASC (Permanent Automatic Syntax Controller) also worked out very well, by suppressing negative words out of sentences of Truce, so that in a few hours time, LOVE, yes* intense* *love*, flourished in the heavenly hills of Nerdistan.
Both Nerdistani felt themselves totally on the same wave-length: their nerdistic brainwaves were undulating so synchronously that their mutual love developed itself into a most passionate electro-physiologic cybernetic relation. Feeling so united in electro-magnetic vibrations, they wanted of course to have innerdcourse.
This was without reckoning with the repulsive electro-magnetic field (REMF) acting as condom onto the male nerd, to say de Yoti ! The REMF was commanded by the International Board of Nerdexperts, who guarded the whole experiment closely. Every time Truce was trying to come close to deYoti, she was rejected instantaneously by the REMF surrounding him. The REMF really protected the virginity of the male nerd Yoti against the intrusive female nerd Truce.
But so the otherwise so shy and chaste Truce inflamed more and more into a totally blissful possessive love for de Yoti. Her metabolism was so affected by this permanent stage of hyper-orgiastic situation, that the Medi-box sent a message of imminent general failure of Truce's metabolism with nearby implosion and total potential collapse of her thyroid gland. The International Board of Nerdexperts so feared failure of the whole set-up of the "new humanity project" in Nerdistan, that they had to turn off de Yoti's REMF. This basically left him in a state of chased game and defeated submission to the climaxes of Truce's lusts.
So, as Adam and Eve, as Aeneas and Dido, as Romeo and Julia, and as all lovers in the world, they united and stayed cybernetically united, also owing to a PHFM (penis hardener for males) and a SRPD (sperm release prohibiting device) in a never ending ecstatic nerdcopulation. Mr Till Gabes informed by the International Board of Nerdexperts was so pleased that he changed the name of his enterprise from" Micro-Weak Inc." into "Macro-Throb Inc."
But in fact, having all needed weak-ware in their grafted PC's they had nothing else to do than to make cyber-love. Food and drink being freely and everywhere available: wine from France, beer from Belgium, and above all the shitting cows of Italy, giving them day and night pizza's, rigatoni and calzones, utmost fresh from their arses.... They could harvest the spaghetti from the fields and eat all kinds of fruits from the lovely trees of Nerdistan.
During this time the International Board of Nerdexperts had so much to do with the observation of the two nerdonauts and their cyber-copulations, that they created an Academy of Nerdexperts, with a complete post-graduate academic curriculum. Thousands of young university searchers joined and published giga's of gigabytes of work of the highest scientific level.
In fact this Nerdistic love affair became the most public, yes, even exhibitionist cyber-sexual relation in the history of mankind.
This, since so many people were involved, thanks to the progress of cybernetic communication with the central computer of NERDIE-1 and the constant press releases from the International Board of Nerdexperts, which were promptly relayed by internet, everyone could follow everything. The special gossip magazines published each and every piece including the explicit *.gif, *.tif and other image documents.
****
Chapter five:
Keeping NERDISTAN in its primeveral purity.
Due to the compelling nature of the press releases presented by the International Board of Nerdexperts to the public at large, a large number of people wanted to see a "live" performance by the two first Nerdistani. However, this would alter the parameters of the experiment.
So NERDIE-1's defence system "NERDEFENCE" was put on "red alert" in order to prevent any intruders from penetrating the territory of Nerdistan.
Outside the perimeter of Nerdistan, the Maffia people gracefully "donated" by the Italian government did a marvelous job. The only thing they asked as compensation was a licence for the exclusivity to sell the famous Italian pizza-shitting cows in East and South East Asia, from Korea till Australia, and especially in the People's Republic of China which is actually the greatest newly opening trade market of the world.
A few Russian car and hallucinogenic drug smugglers tried to penetrate at night into the heavenly hills of Nerdistan. Yoti and Truce never noticed it, since they were too involved in industrial strength cybernetic nerdcopulations. But the NERDEFENCE traced these intruders immediately. With a beam of particle desintegrating IQ-laser, NERDEFENCE rendered those people mad before disintegrating them ultimately to ashes. This to make the ancient Roman proverb true "Quos vult perdere Jupiter prius dementat" (The ones he wants to destroy, Jupiter first makes them mad). Indeed, as is well-known in scientific circles, the IQ-laser beam has the characteristic of first destroying the cerebral neurons before the rest of the body is affected.
Sometimes a person, who is only partly IQ-lasered, survives. This completely silly person is then called "iculater" if male or "iculatrix" if female. These "iculaters" are incapable of doing anything other than to constantly spit out a malicious kind of rubbish. They lose all sense of creativity, and remain as living bothers to the rest of humanity, being finally nothing less than a great heap of steaming, smelly shit to others. In fact they should better be destroyed according to the method of euthanasiastic physician Dr Boudewijn Bachot, well-known disciple of Dr Kevorkian, and a great destroyer of ladies in Drenthe-Netherlands by means of somatolytic euthanatic cocktails..
But the German gas Zyklon-B, already used by the nazi's during WW2 to eliminate the people they claimed to be "infra-human" (Die Unmenschen) and well-known in sites such as the Zundel, seems to be also very effective in mass destruction of those "iculaters". This is also easier, since "iculaters" do show sometimes a very positive tropism towards everything wich sounds as "zundle". They may regret it afterwards, and try to prove the world it is not so. But, unfortunately for them, the first impression remains always vivid in the mind of the dwellers of the solid conglomerate fo nerds.
This annihilation of intruders was reported by a TV squad of NBC (Nerdic Broadcast Cy), so that travel agencies had to cancel their planned organised tours in Asia which included a visit to Nerdistan.
And so the tremendous experimental cyber-love between de Yoti and Truce was fully preserved from outside influences, at least for the time being.
****
Chapter six:
Conceiving the malicious introduction of new parameters in the NERDISTANexperiment
This highly passionate story of de Yoti and Truce also alerted some twisted minds who could not stand that such a scientific high level experiment could be so successful to-date. They were approached by infiltrating secret agents from an undefinable region situated somewhere in N.West Europe, somewhere between Holland, Germany and Denmark and called Moorassic Park. This swampy area is also known as Nerderland, for its high amount of subnerds (an inferior quality of nerds) dwelling there. They used to speak a curious language named "Nlnetmisc". Due to some recent alterations in their weakened and crumbling brains, the language became still more primitive and was renamed by the linguists: It is now known as "Nlmisc". Most people there even served as guinea pigs for experiments with the slightly less functional predecessor of the IQ laser beam.They fall under the mercyless rule of their cruel leader who is best known by his code-name: A3 (pronounced in Dutch).
Nerderlandic secret agents, instigated by A3, hired some hackers, in order to try to penetrate into the main computer of NERDIE-1. They worked very hard, but could not get enough results to destabilize NERDIE-1's electronic "brains".
They discovered however some imperfections in the functioning of the NERDEFENCE. NERDEFENCE seemed actually less efficient in neutralizing intruders coming up from under the surface of the soil of Nerdistan. So by using an unregistered copy of the IQ-laser beam projector, they modified some Nerderlanders into grotesque iculaters. These were named iculazers. Possessing all the characteristics of the iculaters, especially their twisted malicious traits, they also had a modified anatomical appearance: they became beings looking like snakes but with the skills of moles. Similar to the sandworms from Dune.
Iculazers were the arm of choice of the secret services of Moorassic Park alias Nerderland.
But they also knew one "weak spot" of de Yoti. As extensively known, already before but much better during the new experiment of Nerdistan, de Yoti is a bright man, having a very well developed sense of observation. But his weak spot is *birding*. So the secret service found a way to lure de Yoti, so that he would be unaware of the underground attack from the iculazers.
They hired a very curious bird, who lives normally in the Austrian Alps the "Kaerel Stokkepoot". This is a very peculiar bird: When you see it from far away, it looks like a condor, but actually it is related to the order of the ciconiidae (storks). This peculiar way of deceiving even experienced birders was to be utilised to grasp the attention of de Yoti, who would start to observe this strange bird, and make a lot of notes on the notepad of his implantated PC, while the iculazers would dig their way underground to Nerdistan.
But, as you know, two lures are better than one.
They also brought at the border of Nerdistan two big owls: an Oehoeboeroe and an Oeroeboeroe. Those two very related sort of owls are from the order of the bubonidae, their scientific names are "Bubo buru" and "Proto-uburu". They are known for their peculiar behavior. Namely they can't stand eachother, and, when put together, start to fight instantaneously.
The fight of the Oehoeboeroe against the Oeroeboeroe is a very spectacular sight, and is extensively described in the cyber literature. Lots of articles appeared about this topic in the daily cyber-publication of the Solid Conglomerate of Nerds. Typically, Oehoeboeroe wins the great fight, because Oeroeboeroe, who does not really exist, disappears in a little cloud of smelly grey smoke. This sort of combat would surely keep de Yoti busy during hours.
This was another very reliable way of distracting the attention of this great birder, de Yoti.
The ultimate aim of the Nerderlanders was to terminate the experiment altogether by destroying as completely as possible the environment, the biotope of Nerdistan, and to force de Yoti and Truce to go away from there. This aim proved to reveal the real nature of the iculazers and other dwellers of nlmisc- speaking Nerderland. A viscous agglomerate of jealous people, people who were full of envy towards the true cyber-love between de Yoti and Truce, symbols of a new kind of emerging purified humanity: the cyber-humans or Cyberians.
****
Chapter seven
More protection needed for Nerdistan
The episodes of both the Russian smugglers and the imminent attack from the nlmisc-speaking subnerds from Moorassic Park were duly decapitated by the mainframe of NERDIE-1. After intricater laboratory experiments a Fantastically Useful Chemical Killer (F.U.C.K.) was discovered to provide additionally required protection to Nerdistan. This F.U.C.K. could neutralise the subnerds by an enzymatic spermatogenic outburst coming from a Permanently Ready Inflatable Concrete Killer (P.R.I.C.K.).
But this profoundly male way to protect the Paradise of Nerdistan had to be completed by a female counterpart.
A network of sweet but strong angel power was organised against the devilish plans of the subnerds . Suitable candidates to fulfil angelic norms were searched in an internet newsgroup, selected because it has the same acronym as the Solid Conglomerate of Nerds (scn).
Three candidates were accepted, owing to their outstanding capacities:
Another useful tool used by Miss Bridgeman is the "Bloody Absolutely Noxious Alcohol-driven Nerd Annihilator" (B.A.N.A.N.A.) It destroys especially the female nerds by a low-altitude attack on the holes in their defensive systems. For this reason it will be highly efficient when used in the orifices of IQ-Latrines and other female iculazer clones
These three new defenders of Nerdistan were promptly called the Three Nerdangels, since they had to protect the Nerdistani form the devilish actions of the subnerds from Moorassic Park. They should permanently be in contact through internert with NERDIE-1 and act on the spot when called.
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Chapter 8
The Empire of
Nerdistan, dreams and reality.
Trials and
Tribulations of a Would-Be Emperor
Chapter 8A.
Challenging the Defenses of Nerdistan
Thus were the dastardly plans of the iculazers and other subnerds who wanted to annihilate Nerdistan, thwarted. To be sure this hardly registered a blip on the scales of public opinion, engrossed as it still was in the throbbing affair of the two elected SuperNerds. But there was another entity out there with designs on this new territory: designs not so destructive, but no less domineering. This outstanding figure wanted Nerdistan to go on and flourish even more, but under *his* rule. He was a man full of witty imagination and extremely good in wording and delivering literarily outstanding P.O.T.S.-es (Primarily Obtuse Text Segments). He had used these to subdue the entire Solid Conglomerate of Nerds (from which, as you will remember, the Two Original Nerds were chosen) to his will, no small feat indeed. He had further developed his P.O.T.S.ing into really a supreme art, and had gained well-nigh Imperial standing in his newly conquered territory.
The name of this man was DUAL CASE VANDER, better known as UPPER CASE or simply The Emperor. And seeing the attention lavished by the international press and population on Nerdistan, how it almost clogged up all orifices of the NET, he was consumed with a desire to rule over it like he ruled over SCN. The flames of his desire were further fanned by the fact that the two chosen Original Nerds were both former subjects of his: de Yoti had been the most fawning of his underlings, while Truce had been one of the few inhabitants of SCN to resist his rule although even she had never quite been capable of hiding her fascination with his outstanding mind and the mysteries of its whereabouts (indeed, the whereabouts of the Emperor's mind were the best-kept secret in SCN, to the point where some of his cowering footfolk even wondered whether the Emperor himself knew where it was -- but I digress).
Anyway, as I said, the two Original Nerds had been among his most consistent sources of attention, but now they were so engrossed in each other, and cut off from him by NERDIE-1 and the Three NerdAngels, that they had completely forgotten about him. A possessive streak being among his more Imperial characteristics, this incensed him no end.
So UPPER CASE wanted, like he had never wanted anything before in his life, to conquer Nerdistan and be its Absolute Ruler. In truth the International College of Nerd Experts, much impressed with his capacities and Nerdistic Contents, offered him a position as Relative Ruler or even Slide Ruler; but UPPER CASE would not be satisfied with anything less than the absolute Absolution. The problem was that he had not the necessary armies nor a corps of diplomats to have a chance anyhow; and moreover the defenses of Nerdistan had already proven to be resistant to brute force. So he employed his tried and true tactics of K.O.T.S. (Knuckleheading, Obfuscation, Typefonting and virtual Screaming) to subdue Nerdistan. He truly tried every trick in his own secret book, and devised a couple of new ones besides; but his P.O.T.S.-es never got past Nerdie-1. The reason for this is that the I.C.o.N.E. had foreseen the Emperor's attacks in an early stage of the design of the Nerdistan project. For this special reason they had entrusted part of the design of Nerdie-1's soft-wiring to Gill Bates' MicroWeak Inc. (which he has consequently renamed MacroThrob Inc. in celebration of the success of the project as you may recall). Because of this cunning ploy by I.C.o.N.E., which even Master Bates and the so-called programmers of MacroThrob were not aware of (of course), the UPPER CASE K.O.T.S. was just way too subtle for Nerdie-1's brain, and never really registered.
The Emperor of course didn't know this, and after a while was forced to admit failure. He then saw no recourse but to go for the jugular of public opinion -- a very atypical move for UPPER CASE, who normally disdained public opinion, but this just goes to show how desperate he was. He started by generating a phoney cybercreature which he intended as a copy of de Yoti; but spelling, especially of names, was never his strong point, and he ended up naming him de Yeti, which was a dead giveaway of course. He set out, together with the Yeti, to rewrite history and discredit the International College of Nerd Experts.
Unfortunately however, and due in no small part to the substandard input from the phoney Yeti, this attempt failed miserably -- even his own underlings in the Solid Conglomerate of Nerds were not convinced, and lord knows it doesn't take much to fool that lot. In a fit of rage he called on a hired hand to terminate de Yeti, which was promptly taken care of for the price of 217 vases of beer -- not cheap, considering that most denizens of SCN would have gladly done it for free, but CASE wanted the job done well and the hired hand turned out to be worth her price.
This calmed the Emperor down somewhat, but he was still at a loss as to how to realise his ambition. To refresh himself he decided to take a trip back to his home town of Poepopdestoep (pronounce Poopupduhstoop) in Nerderland, and after a day of stepping in and out of dog shit -- one of his favourite pastimes, and the thing he missed most when living in Canerda -- and futile arguments with city hall officials about spelling, he felt renewed, and he knew he couldn't give up. It was his mission, his destiny to rule over Nerdistan. He just had to find a new way to conquer this land.
Being a somewhat bookish sort of fellow, he dug into the literature and searched for authors. He read "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu in exactly eight and a half minutes, found it interesting and even somewhat useful. Then he read "Il Principe" (the prince, or better said the ruler) from Nicolo Macchiavelli. This lecture lasted about 20 minutes, because he was smart and versatile. He found this book altogether too tricky for his tastes, and even a bit too iculatrino-mimetic; but thinking even tainted knowledge might come in handy some time, he internalised it anyway. He re-read the writings of Karl Von Clausewitz, especially the famous "Vom Kriege" which he knew by heart anyway, and obtained a copy of the ancient Medieval Charlemanic manuscript "Pugna pro Stultis" (later popularised as "War for Dummies") which incidentally in a footnote almost gave him the clue to defeat the MacroThrob technology in Nerdie-1 -- but that was not what he was looking for, and he missed the pointer. He spoke at length with a mostly deaf great-great-grandnephew of Geronimo, who didn't in fact understand a word he said but The Emperor found it a very rewarding experience. Finally, duly impregnated with that kind of very useful literature, he thought of his next step. For the first time in many many years, he felt that he had to go out and confronthis newly-acquired knowledge with the real world (or vice-versa).
(Other chapters were never published or are lost. There are still some scripts available, you might be given them by a nice request to Fustigator. Just say T-Bear said that there were some unpublished scripts)
*****SPECIAL WARNING for CHAPTER 9*******
Due to the strong terminology used in this chapter, sensible souls should either skip this chapter or prepare themselves mentally for a tough time. Although no odoriferous "exe"-files were added, some strong smells could be perceived by the reader. Those who would feel polluted by those exhalations are recommended to wear a gas masker before starting with the reading of this text.
Any ressemblances with paintings of Hieronymus BOSCH or William BLAKE are the product of the highly cultural impregnation of the writers.
Do not forget that <<<< From Cyberia with Love>>> has been written for the highlighted minds of the potsers of "SOC.CULTURE.NETHERLANDS" *only*.
******You have been warned******
Chapter 9
Nerdistan attacked
by earth and air.
How the enemies
either deflated slowly or retreated shamefully.
A scatological experiment is launched.
In the meantime, while His Highness the UPPER CASE was circling the world and ruminating about the trappings of Empire, the enemies of Nerdistan, the awful swampy nlmisc-speaking dwellers of Moorassic Park, prepared to invade paradisical Nerdistan. Driven by jealousy and greed, they dug a long tunnel from the next valley to the flowery hills of Nerdistan in an attempt to escape the all-seeing satellite eye of NERDIE-1.
To keep the roof from caving in, they used myriads of supporting posts that stood in various directions -- so-called crossposts. Indeed, as is well-documented, the art of crossposting is one of the few crafts that cellar-dwelling subnerds such as the nlmisc-speaking Nerderlanders really master --of course it doesn't require much intelligence.
De Yoti in the meantime was observing birds. He was watching with his binoculars and taking notes on the behavior of the Kaerel Stokkepoot on one side and of the big fight between the Oehoeboeroe and his "virtual image", the so-called oeroeboeroe at the same time on the other side.
The iculazers commanded by their leader, an awful woman called the great I.Q. Latrine, helped by her concubine, the Great Test-Iculator, were progressing slowly but steadily. Since the Icu-Latrine wanted a quick invasion, she infuriated and was bothering her troops with her special hypo-humoristic sarcastic and ironic comments. This made the iculazers nervous. So, because of their very low degree of intelligence left, they started to piss all around and make a mess while working. Some of them even dumped logs, so that the smell of these collective acts of dejection drew the attention of NERDIE-1's Potent Impressive Sudden Smeller Of Fuddling Fumes. This P.I.S.S.O.F.F. detected the icu-latrine-generated smells at once and transmitted the data to the computer of the International College of Nerdexperts.
A decision had to be made very rapidly. The counterattack had to come from NERDIE-1 helped by the nerd-Angels.
NERDIE-1 was instructed to release massive amounts of Surprisingly Highly Intoxicating Traps at once. Those releases of S.H.I.T.'s had the advantage of penetrating profoundly into the underground trenches of the iculazers and madden them even more. Moreover, it stained the iculazers with an indelible brownish color, which also left a typical latrinic smell on them so that they could be destroyed with another device of NERDIE-1: the Fantastic Urinatory Compound Killer Of Filthy Felons. This F.U.C.K.O.F.F. is a weapon which shoots a special liquid called Utmost Rapid Integral Nerdic Exterminator (U.R.I.N.E.) better known as Powerful Integral Subnerd Suppressant (P.I.S.S.)
Once hit by this P.I.S.S. the iculazers jumped out of their trenches and rushed toward the great icu-latrine who swallowed them immediately by pulling her Filthy Latrinic Urine Swallowing Hogface (F.L.U.S.H.). Thus the iculazers ended their miserable lives in the Pit Of Termination (P.O.T.) of the IQ Latrine. This signifies at once the very termination of the thus swallowed iculazers.
This made the wording of Vladimir Ilyitch Ulianov (alias Lenin) true: "the revolution swallows its own children".
But this was not enough to totally defeat the Great IQ-Latrine. She conceived a new weapon following a phagocyting swallowing of an Iculazer into a wrong orifice of her. Through a misconception she developped a funny kind of misfit which she promptly expelled in the form of gaseous wind, I mean shitted out as a mere fart. This looked at first as a pustulated small toad known in dutch as "vroedmeesterpad" which was actually another favorite study-object of the Yoti. Therefore this was conceived by the Great IQ-Latrine as another bait to lure him. But soon this stinky misfit started to swell. This to make the story of Jean de Lafontaine "the ox and the frog" come true: the toad wanting to become as big as an ox.
This biological metamorphose is known as "flatus infamus".
This transformed the toad into a huge "GRIMM-lin" and it looked like an immense balloon filled with a farty stinky miasmatic kind of war-gas, named the Crombach-gas. This gas was produced by the Grimm-lin by a synthetic procedure developing in its own urine which contains Prussic acid. This Crombach-gas had already succesfully been used in combating some very nasty in-sects. The further unknown Grimmlin seemed to be much more noxious than the related species the "Gremlin", also an animal originating from East or South Cyberia, according to the movies dealing with it.
NERDIE-1 located the Grimmlin quite instantly since it has a peculiar call which is best imitated by the noise produced by rip-roaring drunk nerds shouting "praesidium libertatis". Fortunately, NERDIE-1's special devices detected this ultimate weapon of the IQ-Latrine, and the computers of the Board were immediately analysing all possibilities to neutralize it. Of course the easiest way to get rid of the Grimmlin was to shoot it down to make it explode or to prick it so that it would fall flat in a couple of seconds. But this was reckoned as being too dangerous.
Indeed, the amount of H2S-gas and Prussic acid liberated would totally ruin the fauna, the flora and the mineral environment of Nerdistan by a top-grade pollution. This would signify altogether the sudden end of the whole "Nerdistan-experiment".
The board ordered a different approach to NERDIE-1.
It had to send a very thin I-Q-lazer-beam to the anus of the Grimmlin, so that it would obstipate at once by coagulating the anal sphincter into a rotten bloody mass of solid crusts. This maneuver, called "defarting" would then be followed by the massive sending of large numbers of micro-beams aimed at the entire surface of the Grimmlin so that it would deflate slowly.
The IQ-Latrine would then be lured towards the deflating Grimmlin, so that she could breathe the Crombach-gas and metabolically transform it into plain shit, much less noxious to the environment. The shit would than be converted into binaries and sent by icu-lazer-beam to Moorassic Park and lure the still wandering iculazers to that part of the world, keeping Nerdistan clean from all nlmisc-speaking ennemies.
This was ultimately succesfully performed, and two happy side-effects were noticed.
The first one was that the Great Iculatrine having enjoyed fully her metabolic transformating activity, did not find any shit left around Nerdistan and retreated shamefully to breathe her favorite gases and ruminate her usual food, I mean the Crombach-gas and plain shit. She went immediately back to nlmisc-speaking Nerderland alias Moorassic park, the "paradise" of all "net" undercreepers.
The second was that the Grimmlin, despite a low-grade deflation-rate, got enough energy to behave as an ordinary deflating balloon: it circled first all around and hurled itself finally straight into the stratosphere were it exploded ultimately in myriads of very little pieces.
That's the reason why one notices till today some Grimm-stuff on scn, and of course always cross-posted to the moorassic newsgroups of nlmisc-speaking internauts.
***************
Note from the writers: We hope you survived this terrible war-report.
***************
****
EPILOGUE
The Serendipitic Triumphof the Nerdistan Experiment.
As is commonly known, the Nerdistan Experiment has become a resounding success and its pervading influence on society at large is felt to this day. In this somewhat dramatised account of the circumstances surrounding the early days of the project, we have attempted to describe how the project came to take its current shape. We would like now to look back on the events, and lift the veil on some of the mysteries that still remain.
Firstly, it shall be remembered that UPPER CASE managed to sneak past NERDIE-1 and enter Nerdistan through a slinky subterfuge, whereby he half-bribed, half-seduced the Thesauricularum Custos of the International College of Nerd Experts to provide him safe passage.
Nevertheless, when he arrived on the scene of the Original SuperNerds' steamy love-making, the ICONE were watching him on their television screen. The explanation for this is quite simple: the Thesauricularum Custos had never even considered betraying his ICONE colleagues, and had informed them promptly of his dealings with the Would-Be Emperor. The ICONE had quickly agreed that this was probably just what Cyberia needed, and had decided to let him in. Indeed UPPER CASE had been recognised as a superb nerdistic specimen from the planning stages of the project, but it had been felt that his innumerable personal idiosyncracies would have complicated measurements too much and so he had been left out of the original plans. But at this point, the ICONE were just looking to add a new element to the Cyberia stew and UPPER CASE fitted the bill perfectly. So NERDIE-1 had been instructed to let him through, and the ICONE had monitored his every step.
Then just when things got interesting, NERDIE-1 had malfunctioned and hit the Emperor with a sudden laser blast -- you may remember this also. It has since been established with near-certainty that this was due to a fluffware error in a MicroWeak Inc. product -- not an unusual occurrence, and the ICONE were in a way punished here for the United Nations' insistence that they make use of the services of Master Bates. But NERDIE-1 had not just annihilated the Emperor: in fact, using a technology called "digitisation" which has been known for some time and has even inspired a movie called "Tron" [not to be confused with the Terribly Repulsive Onanic Nerds], UPPER CASE's molecular structure had been dismantled, coded into bits, and stored on hard disk.
However, at this point another fluffware bug
popped up: when storing the Emperor's digitised self, NERDIE-1
used the memory address of its own DOS (Debilitated Operating
System)! In other words, NERDIE-1 overwrote itself and so UPPER
CASE, who was now for all practical purposes a program (an ironic
development concerning his enormous nerdicity), suddenly got
near-total control. The swear words, the ASCII art, the fonts,
the garblings that the ICONE saw scroll over the screen
represented nothing more or less than The Emperor's own unleashed
Ultra-Nerdistic Mind.
Quick to grasp what was going on, UPPER CASE's Nerdistic
Personality at once decided to get rid of unnecessary ballast and
set the laser to reverse, thereby expelling the details of his
own physical appearance and the non-nerdistic parts of his mind.
That's why the ICONE saw UPPER CASE sitting on the ground when
they turned back to their TV screen; except it wasn't UPPER CASE,
but rather, well, what else can we call him now but lower case?
And the rest, as they say, is history. With
UPPER CASE in control instead of NERDIE-1 the project really took
off, and although it generated a lot of controversy (especially
in an unspecified but rather foggy region called SCB, and in
nl.misc-speaking Moorassic Park of course), it soon achieved a
popularity that was unprecedented for a scientific project. It
became more than just world-famous: it attained a status that was
comparable only to that of a religion. Young people all over the
world aspired to be like De Yoti and Truce: their influence was
felt in the fashion world, where trouser fillings (commonly known
as "falsies") became de rigueur for young males;
literature, where it spawned a whole new craze of minimalistic
writing especially among female authors; sexual relations, where
it became fashionable for men to be timid and women to be
aggressive; and many other spheres of human endeavour besides.
Even birdwatching became a popular pastime for a while, though
this didn't last long as the most affectable young minds were too
solidly glued to their computer screens. One not-so-young nerd in
particular though managed admirably to combine the nerdicity of
the two professions, and indeed in many other aspects came to
present an uncanny resemblence to De Yoti: I am referring of
course to Eggnuts Wonders, whose appearance on SCN coincided so
coincidentally with the removal of De Yoti himself.
Another nerd, who for a long time managed almost completely to disguise her true identity but of whom it is known that she lives beneath sea level, imitated the Truce personality with exemplary zeal, and the two of them exemplified a different class of Cyberia adepts. These, the more serious nerds would not be content with just imitating their idols, but became totally bent on joining Cyberia. The finest Nerdistic Minds flocked to the Solid Conglomerate of Nerds, which was generally considered the antechamber to Cyberia, and in the Nerd's typical single-mindedness outdid each other in inimitably nerdistic (and, frankly, boring) potsing. In the beginning none of them displayed quite the level required for admission to Cyberia, but they pushed each other to ever greater heights of Nerdicity and soon some of them caught the ICONE's eye and started earning little green marks on their nerdicity files.
The ICONE was kept busy monitoring both the Nerdistan experiment (which was yielding a wealth of data on humanity's inborn Nerdicity) and the SCN, where more and more promising nerds popped up and blossomed into full unadulterated Nerdhood. Throughout their tireless work however the honourable members of the ICONE were always careful to keep a low profile, and only their Provisional Spokesman (PS) entered the spotlight regularly.
In spite of their reticence, the International College of Nerd Experts achieved enormous prestige and virtually untouchable status both in the Scientific Community and in the World At Large.
Back in the control room of Nerdistan, UPPER CASE was, as mentioned earlier, in near-total control. In truth NERDIE-1 had been set up with several hardware features to refrain it from ever gaining total control of the experiment, and luckily those worked to stop UPPER CASE as well. The ICONE however resolved early on to use them only in utter emergencies, and left UPPER CASE in the illusion that he could rule Cyberia as he pleased. This suited the ICONE fine, and they continued for many more years to observe him closely and gather and interpret the data that came out of the experiment. The one area where UPPER CASE managed to outsmart the ICONE was in spelling: for some reason, no matter how they tried to fix his spelling deficiencies, the exact nature of the bug in his digitised mind continued to evade them and does so to this day.
As for lower case, he didn't remember much of what happened to him before his digitising and re-emergence; so he just went home to his own personal Penelope and tried to make sense of it all. Upon his return to the Solid Conglomerate of Nerds he was a bit surprised to find himself a much-feared Emperor, but he soon took to the role and carried on as if nothing had ever happened. Indeed, the most seriously Nerdistic elements of his mind may have stayed with UPPER CASE in the encasings of NERDIE-1 in Nerdistan, but it is of course an illusion to think that one so nerdistic as DUAL CASE VANDER was can be totally stripped of his Nerdisticity and have a mind left at all; and so it was that lower case still had a rather significant Nerdicity index.
Nevertheless from that day on a small ray of "humanity" has tended to seep through in his potsings every now and then. Only the appearance on SCN of GRIMM-lin shards (remnants from the explosion) could ever raise his Nerdicity temporarily to old levels: although he didn't know the GRIMM-lin personally, he felt an intense and instinctive (and understandable) dislike for his remains.
================THE END==================
Next year you will hear MORE
from us, you devoted PORKS!
Next story will be indeed devoted to the MOREPORKS,
even if it does not suit Kees
(EDITOR: its now 1998 ans still nothing has appeared, but there are rumours.....)
©1998 by ICONE